Osama Got Mail

Following the death of Osama bin Laden, the American government has been going through all of his personal files and documents, and slowly releasing them to the public. The following e-mail gives just a small insight into what day to day life was like for the ‘World’s Most Wanted Man’.

From: Bin Laden, Osama
Sent: Monday, October 22, 2007 at 8:17 AM
To: [email protected]

Subject: The Cave

Hi guys. We’ve all been putting in long hours lately, but we’ve really come together as a group and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says “There is no I in team” as well as the one that says “Hang In There, Baby”. That cat is hilarious! However, while we are fighting a Jihad, we can’t forget to take care of the cave. And frankly, I have a few concerns.

First of all, while it’s good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you don’t want to be stung and neither do I so we need to sweep the cave daily. I’ve posted a roster sheet near the main cave opening.

Second, it’s not often I make a video address but when I do, I’m trying to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay? That means that while we’re taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background. Just while we’re taping. Thanks.

Third point, and this is a touchy one. As you know, by edict, we’re not supposed to shave our beards. But I need everyone to just think hygiene, especially after mealtime. We’re all in this together.

Fourth: food. I bought a box of Cheezels recently, clearly wrote “Osama” on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my Cheezels were gone.

Consideration. That’s all I’m saying.

Finally, we’ve heard that there may be American soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Akbar, and Richard.

Death to infidels,

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